Self-Project Notes, To Dos, && Donts.

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 14:56:27 GMT

I am arrogant.

I am too fleshy for my liking.

I ramble like a fool.

I am lazy with my appearance-- Im lazy with myself.

My independence is faulty-- [[strengthen it]]

My mind is turning to mush-- rescuplt it.

I am off my game entirely...

I enjoy dwelling on moments and situations...but i must quit dwelling on decisions.

I cannot slow down...

I need to curb my boldness...portray dossle.

I cant lessen myself...

I must be a charmer.

I am to define love.

I shall not indulge.

I am to work work work!

I need to pace myself more...im running into dead ends.

I need culture.

I need to redefine but stay close.

I must not name myself smart.

I must remain at my level-- only exceed.

I cannot brag.

I must go more abroad.

I am to let go of people-- baggage.

I must feel fresh, stay clean.

I need to rid old books and songs.

I must keep moving.

I need to structure my writing.

I must sleep.

I must care for myself.

.1 June 23

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 12:07:24 GMT

Well, i cant necessarily ignore yesterday-- now can i? It was pretty much my first "livejournal day" and it turns out, eh- i have material. :p

It started out like a typical day, woke up late, felt groggy, babysat, mended the household. Nothing out of the ordinary. But there are a few updates id like to touch upon.

My tatoo-- Much better. Less raw and irritated. Its finally going down and setting in. I'll get a pic of it up when its in better shape....

Steamers-- The best food ever created && my lifeline out here in Homer Glen! I found out that you can place orders online and have it delievered......my ecstacy. :D

Other's issues-- My cousin is having girl problems....im trying to coach him through it but the dumb broad is being a difficult one. I cant talk...im not exactly easy to get along with if I dont want to be but its such a childish situation. The girl (who will only remain as "the girl") is tripping about my cousin fooling around-- but get this: They weren't official or even close to going out. So...whats this girl's business complaining about my cousin being a whore (even though he is...) when they weren't together?? She should probably quit feeling obligated to act like a bitch to my cousin. I see her side....but theres a point where one must just quit playing games. Especially if their just a young heart...

Hanging over my head-- All day I was supposed to think about giving my friend of 4 yrs a chance to date me. I didn't see the point...it was like we were going out already. Only thing was that we were not romantically involved. I gave him attention, i helped with his problems-- shit i even talked aimlessly with him on the phone....maybe it was my fault for leading him on, but I seriously thought of him as only a friend. Now I want to withdraw from the friendship and keep it low. He did say he got the concept of just remaining friends-- i swear he better not ever ask me for more again.

The unattainable-- Yesterday I was supposed to hang out with ____ (____ is a guy whose attention I caught by randomly giving him my phone number? We've been talking since the end of may && my friend specalated that he was initially going to use me to find relief from his ex-relationship before he got to know me and changed his mind? Anywho...he basically turned down "that" chance when i straightforwardly told him what was down-- that i basically was interested && i wanted to know his side. It came down to I had ppotential but he he has ALOT of shit on his plate right now....such as his neard death experience and this ex-girlfriend of his. Well....i learned some new details that shed light to his "ex issue" and i find that i CANNOT interfere. I just cant. He's really torn. I just hope that the situation finds a closure so he can find peace. Besides, he was the one who said we should take it slow-- he has me in a spot where i would take it slow....without any sneaky plans of course. Im down for keeping him as a friend-- his laid back calm demeanor allows such. Im just glad that Im detatching from any "ideas" of him.) but we're rescheduled...I told ill let him know...

The random suprise of the day-- So this guy added me on myspace and i inquired why he requested me. We messaged back and forth && i even commented a pic of him when finally like after an hour-- it hit me. This kid was my childhood crush from like....when i was 10 11 12-- the first kid i liked before i started dating the assholes. :D.

- - - - - -> The same goofy expression from when we were little :p. This was the pic that made it hit that it was him. We caught up through text messages-- and now I wanna hear his grown up voice :D. He supposed to call me after work today....

The empty feeling-- in my stomach. I have no appetite but feel my stomach nipping at my insides. I swear if I drop weight-- i will be very angry. Ive been steady at 120lbs and do not want to go down to 110....as much as i would like to be skinny-- i still kinda like the "thicker" me that tends to be the healthier looking me.

The inability to sleep-- My cousin is a pain in the ass who plops his annoying ass on my bed whenever im sleeping just to have the kick in waking me up....i got no sleep last night. Not only him-- but a friend called sounding broken...so i had to "handle" that.

**People with relationship issues-- there are ultimately two options. Move on or stay put. Make the decision and stick to the solution. Yes yes....it sounds too simple && a bit unsympathetic on my part-- but maybe there's a reason why i have not been heartbroken yet? ha....but thats another issue-- its the issue of me "not giving people chances" and being "guarded", which is looked down upon. But hey..whatever works, works. Who am i to give relationship advice.

**Sp mistakes-- i know they're in there. And yess, im too lazy to correct them at 7 in the morning when going back to sleep seems appealing, so psssssh. :p I'll get to them maybe....if not-- hey, its my livejournal. tee hee :D

Peace out.

Nothing endures but change.

Self-Project Notes, To Dos, && Donts.

.1 June 23